How To Tell an MCU Witch

Wanda Maximoff: Don’t bother trying to use magic, Agatha. [Waves to indicate walls] In a given space, only the witch who cast the runes can use her magic.

Agatha Harkness: Uh, yeah? We’ve been through this. You learned it from me.

WM: Yes, and I need you to answer some questions. Give me the straight-up truth, and I’ll shorten your sentence as Agnes.

AH: Oh, thank Mephisto! Yes, anything. Ralph Bohner is insufferable. He still thinks he’s a speedster. He makes “FWOOF” noises with his mouth whenever he comes or goes. He’s not even under a spell.

Steve Rogers: [jogging through] On your left!

AH: Speaking of speedsters… Not bad for an old guy!

WM: So Captain America has powers here, so he’s not a witch.

AH: Of course not, silly. He’s a science experiment.

WM: Tell me what makes someone a witch. You called me a witch…

AH: The Scarlet Witch.

WM: But what does that mean? Are you the Purple Witch?

AH: Ugh. That’s a terrible name. Maybe the Violet Witch…

WM: Do those colors have significance? Because I was thinking of the Infinity Stones, and you steal power, and the Power Stone is purple, and I change reality, and the Reality Stone is red…

AH: You’re overthinking it, sweetheart.

[a circle of sparks hovers in mid-air, and out step Doctor Strange and Wong]

Stephen Strange: Wanda, I’ve come to warn you…

Wong: Harkness, where’s the Darkhold? That belongs in the Kamar-Taj library.

SS: …if you hear the voices of your made-up children, don’t go looking for them! The Elder God Chthon is trying to lure you into ripping a hole between dimensions.

WM: Strange! Wong! Try to cast a spell.

[glowing yellow circles of runes appear around Strange’s and Wong’s wrists as they pose dramatically]

WM: My runes didn’t work on them.

SS: Well of course runes wouldn’t work against masters of Kamar-Taj.

AH: oF cOuRsE rUnEs WoUlDn’T wOrK aGaInSt MaStErS oF kAmAr-TaJ!

[Doctor Strange and Wong disappear in a circle of sparks]

WM: Is that because they’re not witches, or because they have some defense against runes?

AH: Oh who knows, with that lot?

WM: Your mother was a witch, and you learned from a coven, but you had tricks that were your own. My parents had no powers…

AH: That you know of.

WM: …and you said I disabled that bomb with a probability hex, even before Hydra showed me the Mind Stone that jump-started my powers.

[Pietro Maximoff zips into the room but immediately slows to a normal pace]

Pietro Maximoff: Chyello, syister. I chave myissed you.

WM: Pietro!?

AH: The real Pietro, too. You can tell by the Sokovian accent.

PM: Yes, it is mye, not that pryetender from the Echs-Men.

WM: Chye chas lost chis syuper speed within my roones. Chye chad innate powers kick-started by the Mind Stone tyoo. My brother is a witch.

AH: I love how you code-switch, dearie. 

PM: Syister, I must warn you. Our father is looking for us. Our real father. Chye is… not a good man.

[Pietro jogs out of the room]

AH: So! It looks like you may have some witch blood in your ancestry after all!

[Captain Marvel flies into the room]

WM: Carol was empowered by an Infinity Stone too, but she isn’t a witch?

AH: [shrugs] I keep telling you, I don’t think it’s an Infinity Stone thing.

Carol Danvers: Wanda, come quickly. I’m assembling the Avengers. There’s a new bad guy. Powerful. Charismatic. Regal. Full of righteous fury and gravitas. If I were just 30 years older… Just come quickly. He’s trying to steal nuclear missiles.

[Carol flies out the room, and soon the ceiling begins to shake]

WM: What is THAT?

AH: Uh-oh…

[The ceiling rips off, and, floating on waves of force, a man in a helmet and cape descends into the room]

Sir Ian McKellen: Wanda. Daughter. At last, I have found you.

WM: You’re my real father? Are you a witch?

SIM: Our people have been called many names. Witchbreed. Gene-joke. Mutie. But soon, all will know us by our true name, homo superior. The future belongs to our kind. [clenches fist] Soon, they shall behold my mighty hand… Eh?

WM: Look! The runes work on Sir Ian McKellen! He’s a witch too!

SIM: What is this place, daughter, that steals the power that is my birthright? It is a foul thing! Leave this place, Wanda, and meet me and your brother–your new brothers and sisters–at Cape Citadel. War is coming, and we shall not be unprepared.

[Sir Ian McKellen swirls his cape and departs the room]

Bolivar Trask: Say! Those are some nice runes! I’m making some… jewelry… Some collars, really. And that would be a killer design to go on them. Mind if I…?

[takes pictures with camera phone, leaves in a hurry]

WM: What was that all about?

AH: Nothing good.


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